Out of Context - Lord of the Rings
by shadowhunter57
Summary: Lord of the Rings quotes taken out of context: a crackfic featuring Gollum, Frodo, Sam and Gandalf, and some mysterious mushrooms. Hilarity ensues...


Disclaimer: Gollum, Frodo, Sam and Gandalf belong to JRR Tolkien and the capitalized sections are direct quotes from The Lord of the Rings trilogy. We just decided to take some of his quotes out of context and thus this fic was born. Thanks Callie and Sammie for co-writing this. Enjoy!

 **GOLLUM MOVED QUICKLY, WITH HIS HEAD AND NECK THRUST FORWARD, OFTEN USING HIS HANDS AS WELL AS HIS FEET. FRODO AND SAM WERE HARD PUT TO IT TO KEEP UP WITH HIM.**

As they heard a knock at the door, they stopped moving. Gandalf walked into the room and glanced at the three men lounging surreptitiously on the bed.

"Can I join you?" Gandalf asked with a glimmer of longing in his eyes.

"Of course, is that even a question?" Frodo replied, patting the bed.

 **THEIR MATTRESSES AND PILLOWS WERE SOFT AS DOWN, AND THE BLANKETS WERE OF WHITE WOOL.**

"We found these mushrooms in the forest, take one" Sam offered.

Gandalf took the mushroom and made a noise of pleasure as he bit into the succulent flesh.

Gollum stared in wonderment at Gandalf's mouth. **HIS TONGUE LOLLED OUT BETWEEN HIS SHARP YELLOW TEETH, LICKING HIS COLOURLESS LIPS**. He uttered a sultry **"MY PRECIOUS"** at the sight.

At that moment, room service interrupted. "Do you need any assistance?" the untimely female asked. "Do the hobbit and his companions require anything?"

 **"YOU, LADY, LEAVE HIM A WHILE WITH ME. I WILL CARE FOR HIM"** Gandalf replied before ushering the attendant out.

"Finally we can get started" Frodo exclaimed with a hint of lust in his voice.

* * *

As soon as the attendant exited, Gandalf moved closer to Gollum.

 **TONGUES BEGAN TO WAG IN HOBBITON AND BYWATER.**

"Are you sure you're okay with this?" Gandalf asked, not wanting to pressure him. After all, he had lived quite a few years, and had experienced much more than Gollum had.

" **IT'S MY BIRTHDAY, MY LOVE, AND I WANTS IT,"** Gollum replied, closing the gap. **GOLLUM SEEMED NO LONGER TO HAVE ANY FEARS,** and **THE OLDER FOLK SUDDENLY FOUND THEIR REMINISCENCES IN WELCOME DEMAND.** Gandalf realized that the river hobbit might be more experienced than he let on.

Meanwhile, Sam and Frodo were having a chat on the other side of the bed. Their conversation flowed quickly and easily, aided by the mushrooms they had recently consumed. Soon, their conversation moved to a more heated topic. Sam felt feelings of lust rise to the surface, and realized that he wanted to get closer to Frodo. He hadn't felt this way before. Well, maybe he had, but he needed to hide those feelings. What would Frodo think if he found out that his friend had liked him all this time? **HE RESTRAINED THE THOUGHTS OF HIS SWORD AND THE ROPE THAT SPRANG TO HIS MIND.** He moved away from Frodo, hoping that his feelings would subside, but they didn't.

Frodo noticed the mounting tension between them and moved closer, stroking Sam's face. He told Frodo that it was okay, and that he understood that Frodo had feelings for him. In fact, he had been harboring the same secret all this time.

"Are you ready?" Sam asked. He knew just what to do to make Frodo happier than he had ever felt.

" **I FEEL READY FOR ANYTHING" FRODO** replied, lust dripping from his lips.

As Sam and Frodo started experimenting, Gollum and Gandalf were just finishing up.

"Wow, I never knew your were capable of such passion. I never imagined your little body could hold that much love, especially for an old man such as myself," Gandalf exclaimed with surprise evident in his voice.

"We all have our secrets, even you, evidently…" Gollum replied, winking.

"I can't have everyone knowing what talents I have, now can I?" Gandalf replied.

"What talents?" a voice said from the other end of the bed. It seemed that Frodo and Sam had paused their passionate activities to hopefully hear the secrets Gandalf was disclosing.

"Do you want to find out?" Gandalf replied, ushering Frodo to his side of the bed.

"Frodo, I haven't finished with you quite yet…" Sam tried to keep Frodo from leaving his side.

" **GIVE ME ABOUT TWO HOURS, NOT MORE, AND THEN CALL ME"** Frodo replied.

"Two hours?! What will I do?" Sam whined.

"I'm sure you'll find something interesting to do. Now let go of my arm," Frodo pulled his arm away and scooched closer to Gandalf.

 **SAM GOT UP AND GENTLY PRODDED GOLLUM.**

"It seems we are both not busy. Would you like to experiment?" Sam asked Gollum.

"Of course. Why do you even ask?" Gollum replied, pushing himself onto Sam, and they both slammed down onto the bed with a small _thump_.

* * *

A few hours later, the four of them sat on the bed, thinking about what had just happened. All of the had their needs met, in more ways than one.

"Wow, I've never experienced anything like that before…" Frodo said.

"Of course not… you've never been with someone like me before. You are **A VERY NICE WELL-SPOKEN GENTLE HOBBIT,** Frodo. I quite enjoyed our time together," Gandalf replied, putting his hand on Frodo's thigh.

Frodo coughed, trying not to think too much about the old man's hand on his leg.

"Yes, we had a good time together too, didn't we Gollum?" Sam looked pointedly at Frodo, not forgetting how Frodo pushed him away to get closer to the old man whose company he apparently enjoyed more than his own.

"Oh, yes. If this keeps up, you might just be my new precious," Gollum replied, drooling.

"Oh… wouldn't that just be… wonderful. We should all get to bed, shouldn't we?" Sam looked pointedly at Gandalf.

"Yes, that's probably a good idea. I'm sure we will all get a good night's rest after all this excitement," Gandalf replied, laying down on the bed, and ushering the other three to do the same. They would all sleep well, he was sure of it.

* * *

The next morning, they all seemed confused as to what had happened the night before, and why they were sharing a bed.

"Did I…?" Frodo looked over at Sam, questioningly. He didn't think that his friend knew of his true feelings for him, but who knew, after last night.

"I… think so." Sam replied, blushing. Why else would they both have no clothes on, spooning?

" **I SUPPOSE YOU THREE WON'T WANT MUSHROOMS AGAIN,"** Gandalf said, looking at them.

"Maybe in a smaller dose next time. I would like to remember what exactly I do in bed with my best friend," Sam replied, not meeting Frodo's gaze.

Frodo blushed. It seemed that Sam held the same feelings towards him that he did towards Sam.

The four of them got clothed and went to go eat breakfast.

Frodo, Gandalf, and Gollum sat around Frodo's dining room table when Pippin walked in, sleepy eyed.

"Well you are all up early! I expected you wouldn't be up for hours. You seemed busy last night. Were you mapping out where we are going hiking this weekend?" Pippin asked them.

"Oh, no. We already planned our hike, long ago." Frodo replied, his cheeks turning red.

" **THEN WHAT WERE YOU ALL DOING? YOU WERE SHUT UP FOR HOURS!"** Pippin exclaimed, feeling both left out and confused, because they didn't seem to have many hobbies other than hiking, eating, and sleeping.

 **'TALKING,'** Frodo replied, **'THERE WAS A DEAL OF TALK, AND EVERYONE HAD AN EYE-OPENER. EVEN OLD GANDALF." HE STOOPED HIS PROUD HEAD AND NUZZLED HIS GREAT NOSTRILS AGAINST THE OLD MAN'S NECK.**

"What about? I can't imagine you have much to talk about…" Pippin replied, noticing Frodo's reddening cheeks and the public displays of affection.

"Oh, um…" Frodo stuttered, trying to think of an excuse that would get Pippin off their backs.

 **GANDALF CARESSED HIM.** "Don't worry, Frodo. You can tell him. I'm sure that Pippin will understand."

"We were just… um… planning birthday celebrations! We wanted to surprise you with a birthday party, but I guess it isn't much of a surprise now, is it?" Frodo quickly made up an excuse

"My birthday isn't for another eight months, Frodo. You know that," Pippin replied, narrowing his eyes.

 **SAM SAT DOWN, BLUSHING AND MUTTERING. 'A NICE PICKLE WE HAVE LANDED OURSELVES IN, MR. FRODO!' HE SAID, SHAKING HIS HEAD.**

the end


End file.
